A Life Less Ordinary
Am I living the life I always wanted? Am I the person I think I should be? I don't know. I can be anything I want to be, there is nothing that bad that can happen to me, that can take that away. So why do I feel scared every time I wake up? What's responsible for the dull ache that throbs within my stomach, and stops me sheltering in the protective wings of sleep?
When I think about it, I've always been scared of something. Is it the fear of letting go entirely and letting life sweep me to where it thinks I should be? Or is it the realisation that actually, though fate plays the biggest hand, I have some control over what happens next?
Is it all those decisions to make, like a million different jars in a candy store? You can have any one of those you like, but live with it, the one you've chosen. Can't I have more than one?
I am scared to waste life, but is life a waste if you've been nice to people and can make them laugh? If you've touched at least one person, isn't that our purpose in life? The Meaning of Life?
I don't have two beans to rub together, I don't have a career, I'm no intellect. My knowledge of history is sketchy, I cry too much and I worry even more. Am I wasting life? Does it matter that I've always worked hard and found the time to laugh at the situations I find myself in, that I'm loyal and try not to be bitchy?
How should you define a successful life? Many people would say money. Someone with a lot of dough must be successful. But what about friends? Someone with many friends, aren't they more successful? What about the person who is no longer scared, who can safely say they have loved their life, every minute, even the bad times, especially the bad times because look at the person it made them? That's success.
We all fall down.
So am I living the life I have always wanted? No. But I've taken the first step to trying to, and that's all I can say right now. I may return to another semi-dead end job in a few months time, and I may keep on meeting the same battered people you meet in every job, but at least when I get there this time, I will have experienced freedom, just for a while.
2 comments:
I think we all get scared that we might be making the wrong decisions or not doing enough. Especially when 30 gets all loomy, we get weird about what we have accomplished and whether or not we are running out of time.
It is equally terrifying to think of either letting life take you or thinking you have a say in the matter. If you have a choice, then you can be held responsible for what you have and have not done, which is frightening. If you have no choice, then, well... you have no choice.
I think we do put too much pressure on ourselves though. Yes, to some degree, I think we DO have a choice but that does not make us entirely responsible for everything that happens to us either. Everyone else has choices too, and in a world of so many choice-making people, we are bound to be at the whim of another at least sometimes.
Is your life wasted? Absolutely not. If you have touched one person, loved one person, given them reason to love you, then you have made a difference in the world. You have certainly touched my life in a positive way, and so you have made a difference. You have Rocker, and you love one another, which is further proof of your worth in the world. Wondy Mum and Wondy Bro love you, and if people that cool love you, you must be rather fabulous. The meaning of life is wrapped up in who you share your smiles with, and who you let see you cry. It is about caring about the world and living your best life, which includes screaming and ranting and sometimes spending too much money as much as it includes charity and hard work.
No money? No career? Would you trade any of those things for the people and things you truly love about your life? Would you give up what you know about yourself just to have a little more book knowledge or a marketable skill? I think not, and you're right to think so. What you are is worth a million skills. What you have is worth all the money in the world.
What is a successful life? It is love, happiness, safety, and fun. It is friends and family, smiles and tears, and knowing you wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't care what others say, THAT is life at its best.
You are doing what you need to do for you right now, and this time will be full of experiences you will never forget and never regret.
As for the life you always wanted, let it go. You are not the person you once were. Every day you grow and change and learn new things. Don't define your success by how you have matched up to a plan you made when you were a different person. Live for now, for who you are in the moment.
I love the Wondy!
Bloody good answer, girl!
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