Love Shack

Today's post is going to be about lurve. Oh yeah baby, L-O-V-E love.

Everybody loves love, right? It makes the world go round (or is that money?), it conquers all, it is all around us and it's all we need, right?

Right?!

There are some topics that I steer away from in case someone I love reads about them and gets narky. Things about the past for instance, the things that have made me the person I am now.

Today I'm thinking, screw it. I feel like dipping my toe into the warm waters of the past for a little while.

So here it is. The three loves of my life that have lead me to where I stand now. Some of it ain't pretty...

• I have had three loves in my life so far. Technically only one of them really counts, as the previous two were blown out of the water as soon as the third came along. But, no matter, they are all relevant to the point I am trying to make (and there is a point at the end of this, I promise). I have put each into their own category, because I suppose you can say, I have loved each in a very different way.

Pretty Love. The first (and last) time I ever placed looks above every other quality...

Phil was Josh Hartnett to the power of 10. He was amazing... looking. He had the intellect of a wardrobe and was about as giving as an empty teapot but it didn't matter. At all. Because he was so damn pretty.

He was my Australian boyfriend and I made a fool of myself so many times over him, it wasn't funny. He offered to marry me if I wanted a visa and then he tried to break my arm to seal the deal. He also cheated, stole, manipulated and lied but again, he was so pretty I didn't care.

He was a heroin addict, a bi-sexual and, in short, a bit of a twat.

So eventually I took off (to his aunt's house about two minutes away) and tried not to look back. Tried not too. And the thing is, after I left the country, I didn't miss him at all.

Lesson learned: All that glitters is not gold. Pretty straight boys are trouble (kidding).

Beatnik Love. My one time as 'the Other Woman'. Never again.

Love in a warm climate. Well, a one bedroom love nest. G was not mine for the taking but it didn't stop me. This period in life was not my most proud. I spent three months as the Other Woman and about six dealing with the aftermath. I have never cried as much as I did over G.

He was great and I think of him even now. Yes we were wrong but it felt right somehow. Yeah, yeah Cliche is the handrail of a disabled mind, I know all that but it did.

We listened to Stevie Wonder, ate cheesecake and grapes and it was during this time that I first saw A Clockwork Orange - so now I can't see it without thinking back to my Beatnik period. I call in Beatnik because I finally felt attractive and free and interesting and desirable.

We never got caught but it fizzled after a few months and we never kept the friendship. It's a shame really.

Lesson learned: If you make a really great male friend, keep him that way. Also, thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife is a commandment for a reason. Ditto someone else's boyfriend.

Real Love. This is where I am now. Love ain't easy, you know - why did I always dream of ponies and rainbow sprites?

Then I met Rocker and I finally got it. So this is love. It ain't shiny. It certainly isn't pretty all the time and it takes a hell of a lot of hard work to sustain. The whole soulmate thing, I don't know if I buy it anymore. At least not in the traditional sense.

People who love one another can say hateful things. They sometimes want nothing more than to lash out at you. When they're stressed it can be hell.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being mis-represented by the one I love. I have to fight sometimes to keep who I am intact.

I love Rocker. It's as simple of that. I will never love another.

Lesson learned: Love sucks sometimes.

• I still believe in love. It's just about the only thing I truly know exists. Apart from Mariah Carey, unfortunately. I know she exists because she just will not get out of my face.

Viva la love!

*** UPDATE***

The Porn Baron quite rightly pointed out my omission of his name from my list of Three Great Loves. Sadly, there was only room for three, hence the list of three but I have this to say:

• "Indeed I adore you, my love, my life. Sadly, you bat for the other team and are too tall for me. I'm sure you are more man than I can handle too, you are so right. But that will never stop the small, comforting flame of unrequited love from burning within me... I must go and scrub myself with a Brillo pad now... excuse me..."