Wondy Woman: Meal One

I found this cool story on Stella Vine's Blog, it's by Scottish poet Ivor Cutler - I liked it, so I pinched it. Whatyagonnado?

One morning, Helbert woke with a plum in his mouth. He pulled it out and held it between his fingers for a good look: it was purple and juicy.

"Who put it in my mouth while I was asleep ?" he wondered.

"Me!" shouted his mum, stretching her head out from under the bed with a great grin on her lips.

"Hello, Mum!" he smiled.

Helbert and his mum were great pals. They played football, fighting, ate fish and chips and pickled onions with their fingers, and dug holes.

Helbert stuck the plum back, chewed it and spat out the stone. "Let's plant it, Mum," he said.

"Where ?" she replied.

"Under the bed," he laughed, sleepily, stretching his right arm.

So they both crouched under the bed and cut a hole in floorboards. Helbert jagged the breadknife into the wood to break off jaggy splinters, while his mum, who smelled like roses, grass and washing-up liquid, forked the splinters into an empty tin of cherries with a teaspoon.Soon, there was a hole.

Helbert dropped the stone in, his mum dropped in some dirt and some water, and they waited. After a few seconds, he peeped down.

"Anything happening down there ?" asked his mum.

"No !" he said sadly, nodding his head.

"Well," she said, with a wise nod, banging her head against the bedsprings, "ouch ! Let's ask it to hurry up."

So together they addressed the plum stone, "O stone ! O mighty plum ! Send forth roots and shoots. Grow with our love into a plum tree, with lots of plums !"

There was a creaking, a stretching, a scratching and a splintering as a plum tree rose slowly out of the hole, pushing them from under the bed. They watched with open mouths as plum-laden branches pushed through bedsprings, mattress, sheets and blankets, to fill the room.

"What lovely plums," gasped Helbert.His mum gasped too, but for a different reason.

"Where will you sleep now, my little lad ?"

Helbert jumped into bed, and by twisting and bending, found a way to lie, then looked up, his eyes popping out with happiness."Does that answer your question, Mum ?"

"Yes," she replied, "now come on down for meal one."

Helbert unfastened himself from the plum branches and landed on the floor."Look, Mum. Three new scratches. One's got real blood coming out"

His mum kissed his wounds better, dressed him in today's T-shirt, but yesterday's trousers and, perching him on her back, gave him a ride down to the kitchen.

"Meal one, here we come !" they shouted, and mum kicked the door open.

"Aaah !" they gasped.

In the ceiling was a jaggy hole.Through the hole was a tree.The roots of the tree hung over the table, spread with meal one.

There was a loud sucking gobbling noise.One root sucked a boiled egg up,one sucked cornflakes,one was in a teapot,one munched bread and butter,one, the sugar,one slurped noisily in the tall milk jug,one twisted about in the red jam.One was trying to swallow the salt but kept coughing and choking.

There was even a root trying to swallow a spoon. It could manage the handle, but not the bowl.

"Mum!" shouted Helbert. "I want my breakfast!"

Mrs. MacHerbert went to the kitchen clock and wound it back one hour.The plum tree vanished.Helbert slept in his bed.

Suddenly he woke with nothing in his mouth. "Who put nothing in my mouth?" he wondered.

"Me!" shouted his mum, standing by the door in a shining pinafore.

"Come on Helbert, my beautiful son, meal one is served!"