Old as the Hills (that have eyes)
Someone (ok, it was Grandma) kindly reminded me this morning just how old I really am. I sort of stared at her after this comment and thought: "F**k, she's talking about me. I really am old."
For a moment there I was believing my own hype, that I actually am 21 still, and young enough to be making awful decisions and having momentary lapses of sanity. Sadly, I am 29 in November and will celebrating this wonderful day in Thailand.
Anyway, it brought the whole mid-life crisis back into my head - "mid-life crisis?" they cried, "Well, ok - pre-mid-life crisis, then" I replied. Why does nobody get me?
I'm supposed to be having babies (ugh, We Need to Talk About Kevin has put me off for life), be in a high-powered or creatively satisfying job (does sitting on my ass in the garden count?) and I should be financially sound. (Financially sound?! HAhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa).
I should probably not be wandering around barefoot, wondering which avenue next to take, pondering whether am I doing what is good for me, etc etc - or at least not in a year and a bit's time, when I actually reach the dreaded 3-0.
Then I realise that I know many people who are older and are just as scatty as me and it reassures me that I can continue to be the f**kwit that I am, as long as I am still happy.
Trouble is people often tell me to grow up, stop acting like a child, be less fiery (don't even get me started on the word 'fiery') - perhaps there is a grain of truth in what they say - perhaps I am still acting like a child.
But I like it. I like me. I don't give two sh*ts (forgive me the guttersnipe lingo, Gramps, but I'm on a roll) whether I have possessions anymore. I want to be able to hold my own in a conversation, read all the books I love and be able to eat.
If I one day find myself with nothing, living in an old abandoned beach hut with just the cat to keep me warm, at least I hope I will still be a funny, warm person. I want to be able to have something to say. So what if I'm 'fiery', a slob, a drama queen? I'm also lovely.
When the cops are moving me on from the doorway of the Pizza Hut at 2am on a cold winter's morn I want to still like myself. The day I start to believe that all the bad things I am outweigh the good things then I will change - but I like me and I'm keeping me!
3 comments:
And a hearty Huzzah to that! You are you, which is why you are loved. Don't change, and don't let other people's timelines stress you out.
It is far more difficult to make yourself happy when you are busy trying to make everyone else the same. The key to living with no regrets is to choose that which you want to choose instead of doing what others say to do. Follow that path and you'll wind up far happier. At least that's what I've noticed.
Life is too damn short not to be happy, Wondy...you are going to be LIVING your dream...that sure as hell beats just dreaming about your dream...know what I'm saying?
And I am pushing 38 (YIKES!) and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...;)
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