Not So Ugly Betty

I might be the only girl I know who can look at a fashion magazine and not feel bad about herself. Do you know why?

Not because I'm convinced I'm already perfect and therefore look down on those poor, stupid models that pepper the pages. Oh no. I'd love to look like any one of them.

But the reason I don't give a flying fuck as I flick through the glossy pages is because I've more than come to terms with the fact that, on life's stage, I'd always be a character actress, rather than the main attraction.

Know what I mean?

I would love, for just one day, to be the kind of woman who turns a head with both men and women, and who has only her looks to worry about. Wouldn't that be great for just one day?

But the truth is, that will never be - and I'd rather have it my way, anyway.

I like being an individual and I like being the slightly irresponsible one. I hope I am fun and funny at times, and that nobody will ever have to worry that I won't keep their secrets or that I would judge them.

I have come to realise that getting through life is very easy if you are just honest with yourself and know your limitations.

When I went to this funeral last Thursday I met up with an old, old friend I had way back at school and I hadn't seen her for over ten years. She was lovely and the conversation really flowed, which was great - but immediately I went back to the loner I was in school and felt all awkward and apologetic because I wasn't more like her - or like the other girls in school.

Is that not fucking stupid?

There's no way she judged me herself, but it was me putting pressure on myself to reign myself in - and that's just ridiculous. And exhausting.

And all through that funeral, in between my Kids from Fame moments, I kept thinking I must really look frightful with my tattooed feet poking out and my hair going everywhere - not to mention the fact that when I stepped out of the car my skirt flew up around my ears, Marilyn style (more Manson, one would think) and I flashed my snakeskin keks to the mourners.

I refuse to feel inadequate though - I am what I am - fuck it!