Make Me Up Before You Go-Go

I’ve been gripped by the icy hand of reality – if I go for a make-up lesson next Sunday then I shall have to arrive sans make-up – which in itself is not a problem, I do often go bare-faced – but… well, how am I really going to feel when I’m sitting under the scrutiny of a stranger and in the middle of a busy store to boot with my far, far less than perfect complexion shining forth?

I have always, always had poor skin. Except when I was a teenager, oddly enough.

It has been almost the sole reason for my poor self-esteem since I can remember (anything else is down to my huge arse), and it’s no laughing matter to see your face in every photograph marred by horrible, ugly acne. Next to my gorgeous friends I could always see the difference: that they were beautiful and I was not.

As it is now my skin has improved tenfold thanks to the Pill and so has my self-image but there will always be the ugly girl inside me, ready to break through at any point – and she frequently does.

I hate the idea of comparing myself to others. Envy is an ugly, harmful thing to the person feeling it – and I have no time for it.

I want to wish everyone well, for I have my special moments too – and we can’t all be perfect. Yet, when I stand next to some people I feel my soul die.

Which brings me back to this make-up shebang – can I really stomach it? Will the poor girl assigned to ‘doing me up’ run screaming when she sees me naked (facially)?

I know it’s self-indulgent to fret about things like this, and I’m darn lucky to have my health: two eyes, a nose, a mouth – but is it normal to look in the mirror and see someone so hideously ugly one day – and normal the next.

I think the answer here is yes. And I’m just a normal girl…

Posing 101 - With Lindsay Lohan

These pictures just crack me up.

In other news, the Benefit make-up lesson is booked for a week's time - actually the day before we fly to Thailand - so expect an enthusiastic Before and After!

Smug, Moi?

Would it be uncouth of me to chant:

• Less than two weeks to go! Less than two weeks to go! Less than two weeks to go!

(in a goofish tone, with proper arm flapping and everything?)

*Ahem*

This time in two weeks, Rocker and I will be in Thailand, trailing our remarkably heavy rucksacks behind us: me probably muttering obscenities under my breath and he, marching ahead, unyielding in his mission to get to wherever it is we are going.

(I hate having to actually move my rucksack, it's ok when it's on a trolley or on the floor, but moving it? Hmpf.)

As it happens I think we'll be making our way from Bangkok Airport to Koh Samui Airport then to some sort of accommodation. I should imagine by then I won't care if I wake up in a cow shed...

Then the next morning it'll be a lunchtime ferry crossing to Koh Phangan where we will be met on the pier by our little friend, Rong - who is insistent he'll be there to meet us.

Can't wait.

You know I can't wait to go exploring again, I can't wait to learn some more of the language, visit some temples, write something and take photographs like there's no tomorrow.

I just can't wait.

In other news, Rocker's sister, Holly and I are going for free Benefit make-up lessons a week Saturday - maybe they'll break me out of my old drag-queen habits?

Interview With A Vamp - Part 3

Third time's a charm…

Interviewer: the divine Chica, interviewee: Me!

• What was your favourite subject at school and why?
  
  I was best at English and I loved my teacher, Mr. Dobson because he encouraged me to write for fun and told me I had a real talent (ha) – so that was my favourite class because I got to read interesting things and write to my heart’s content.



• Does Rocker read your blog?
  
  No he doesn’t. I have never hidden it from him and he has read it before but he decided he didn’t want to read it because it is so personal to me and he felt like he was reading my diary.
  
  I generally don’t write anything that might offend him though, just in case – and I don’t generally mention him in my blog because I feel like I’m talking about him behind his back.



• Kate Moss: zero or hero?
  
  Ooh a tough one!
  
  Kate Moss to me is one of the most beautiful women in the world and she deserves serious snaps for two things:
  
  1) Her dress sense. She throws things together like nobody else and always, always scrubs up well,
  
  And b) the simplest thing in the world: she has the sense to never open her mouth, thus creating an enigma. Even whilst being busted doing something terrible, she has never said a word about it, never gives interviews and is never caught uttering something stupid at the opening of an envelope.
  
  It’s genius.
  
  However. I don’t think you can really call her a hero just for that. She doesn’t look like a nice person, she doesn’t look like she can make you wet yourself for laughing, she goes out with an absolute loser, which isn’t setting the best example to her daughter – in short, I think she’s beautiful – but she ain’t no hero to me.



• What is your very favourite piece of clothing and why?
  
  I’m no clotheshorse and I hardly ever dress up in nice clothes because I don’t get the opportunity (or I don’t make the opportunity) so I might as well say, I love my jeans.
  
  I don’t have any one piece of clothing that never fails, sadly.
  
  But! There’s a big but coming…
  
  I love a nice accessory and I love statement jewellery – and have lots of faves. I like Perspex bangles and rings, chunky necklaces and I have a really beautiful new bracelet shaped like an octopus that Heather sent me, which I am in love with.

(see below)

• What has been your best birthday celebration?
  
  This is easy! I celebrated my 21st in a town called Bundaberg in Queensland, Australia – and I ended up jumping into a fountain in the town centre in my bra with this Canadian bloke I really, really fancied. It was superb!
  
  Basically, I was in Bundaberg for about three months picking sweet corn and peppers for a living and on my birthday we were supposed to work, but rain called it off – so my backpacking buddies and I went to the beauty shop and had our hair and nails done, I bought a new top and then in the evening they threw me a party at the local pub – and we rocked on into the night.
  
  There are pictures – and I look horrendous in all of them – but I had the best time.
  
  And at the end of the night I totally threw myself at the Canadian guy I fancied, but passed out before I got to his lips. Hmmm. We never did get it on after that…
  
  Loved every minute and those were the days, etc.
  

Thank babe, I enjoyed this - Chica's interview by me, coming soon...

Interview With A Vamp - Part 2

I enjoyed being interviewed so much that I asked me old mucker Shocking Fish to do me - and he has! (Not literally - fnar fnar).

As follows:

• If you could change one thing in the world what would it be and why?
  
  I would like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony…
  
  (Tumbleweed)
  
  I suppose the obvious answer would be to change this hostile world we live in, into one of peace – and it would be nice but war happens for a reason and I have no idea how to change that. I’d like to think violence could be replaced by a good old-fashioned talking to – but I don’t know for sure.
  
  So I’ll say if I could change one thing it would be women’s negative attitudes to themselves.
  
  I’d like the fashion industry to take responsibility for its part in the Size 00 debate and refuse to use underweight models; I would go around doing my own self-esteem road shows and I would seriously like to look at sizing in UK shops as well…
  
  I’d like women of all ages to learn to love themselves – and it has to be possible!
  
  
• If you where to become ruler of the world would you be a ruthless dictator or a kind hearted leader and why?
  
  I would most definitely be a kind-hearted leader with a nice sideline in ruthlessness when needed… I would hate to be ruler of the world though so I’d probably crack under the pressure, start dressing like a bag lady and talking to myself.
  
  Start…? Ha.
  
  
• Do you believe in Keith Chegwin?
  
  There is no doubt in my mind that he is real and that he was sent by Xenu to heal us. He’s like the Easter Bunny and Santa all rolled into one, but more naked.
  
  
• The world is your stage, what is your talent?
  
  I’d say I’m a natural comedian (boom boom) but my real talent lies in detracting negative attention away from others by dropping stuff and taking the mick out of myself.
  
  I also make great cheese on toast and am quite good at colouring inside the lines.
  
  Hard to answer, because I really have no idea in the slightest!
  
  
• Milk, Milk, Lemonade round the back fudge is made, but who was the last person to add a little sparkle to your life and how did they do it?
  
  There are many people who add sparkle to my everyday life: Shocking Fish himself, Heather, all my Blogger friends, Rocker… but I have to say the person who has added the most recently is my luminous friend, Fragglehump who I never fail to have fun with.
  
  She totally accepts that I am a dufus, encourages me to take snapshots of everything and loves me like a fiend. And she has been there recently when I was upset about something, despite the fact that her life is way more hectic than mine at the moment.
  
  And I also want to do a special mention to my new friend Beanie, who I have been lucky enough to meet through Fragglehump and whom I also dig – because we have the same sense of humour and she is just beautiful.
  
  Even though I don’t know her well, I know she is going through something unbelievably hard but she still has a smile and a positive outlook – which is incredible.
  
  Inspiration? Not ‘arf.

Thanks SF - I love yoooooooo!

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

Yeehah!

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

This week = worst week of my life. Bar none.

By A Beautiful Revolution

WondyBug

I am so psyched!

(Always wanted a reason to say that!)

I just picked up three fantastic Indie films for just £2 each at Blockbuster.

OK, they are ex-rental titles but I couldn't give a flying fuck about that - I just can't wait to settle down and have my indie-fest!

I got: Junebug, Palindromes and the film version of the book, The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (which I found agonising to read, but loved).

So that's good.

The sun is also shining so I am trying to cultivate a positive outlook after our horrific start to the weekend and get in the Easter holiday mood.

As of tomorrow, I will be official Dog/Cat/Housesitter for the Queen of Bling, who lives in the most amazing house - with a secret garden tucked around the back.

You wait.

I will try to take a shedload of photos of my week to share with you, my readers.

Heart Breaker

Friday started with a high octane Run Lola Run dash from Fragglehump's to Worthing Hospital for this Wonder Woman, as Rocker was admitted for 'tests'.

Apparently, after an ECG at the GP's for a pain in his arm, they found 'irregularities' and he was rushed, in an ambulance (without the weeooo weeooos, admittedly), to the EAU.

That's Emergency Assessment Unit, Fact Fans.

He is fine and they have found it was more a strain than a real chest-buster but let me tell you, I never want to go through that again and I'm pretty sure neither do the rest of Rocker's family.

Or Wondy Mum.

So, as we could both do with a little sprucing up, we are both going to start excercising regularly, and cutting down things like our cholesterol and fat intake.

Incidently, I have found that my natural reaction to stress and the shock of thinking I'm about to lose my boyfriend, is to completely fall to pieces in the back seat of a cab and have the driver have to comfort me.

"Could be worse love, he coulda been found face down on the carpet a few days later, know what I mean?".

He was fantabulous, and I love him.

Never again.

Nooo Shooos

"Oh, short on money, but long on time, slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine, and i'm running late, and i dont need an excuse, 'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes." Paolo Nutini.

I am still alive and I've got new shoes!

I have been incredibly busy these past few days and have not even had time to fart (not really, there's always time to fart) - and it is not as you have all surely suspected: that I was kidnapped by an elite Ninga training organisation, who want to teach me in the ways of the dragon (I prefer hippo, myself).

• Once trained I will become their leader/mascot and together we will tour the South East of England (opening to more venues across the country as our popularity grows), recruiting cute boys and testing the elasticity of our lycra jumpsuits.

Sometimes I wish this would happen to me, but alas I am just busy and have to cut down on my internet and crumpet intake at least until next week.

So have a great weekend and I will catch you on the flipside. Word.

Four Things You May Not Know About Me

I got sent this in an email, so I might as well fill it in, for the heck of it.

Four jobs I have had in my life

• Turkey Plucker (lasted half an hour, quit before I even plucked one feather from a turkey)
• Care Assistant in a home for the Mentally Ill
• Fruit picker & packer
• Receptionist

Four movies I would watch over and over

• The Wizard of Oz
• Flawless
• White Chicks
• Footloose

Four shows I love

• Sex & the City
• Spaced
• Six Feet Under
• The Sopranos

Four places I have lived

• Bexhill-on-Sea
• Brighton
• Worthing
• Australia

Four of my favourite foods are

• Sushi
• Roast lamb
• Nachos
• Chinese food

Four places I have been on vacation

• Thailand
• Australia
• Amsterdam
• Barcelona

Four places I would rather be right now

• Thailand
• In bed
• On a road trip around America
• Shopping in the Laines, Brighton (luckily I am doing that tomorrow)

So there you have it!

Spot On

Some girls dream of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, that fit one out of Step Up with the stupid name.
I wake up from my slumber all rosy cheeked and sheepish, because I've been making out with Simon Pegg.

Go figure.

If I remember correctly we were both cops and the sexual tension was out of this world and then finally right before I woke - We. Got. It. On.

Oh yeah!

Well, I have just been to see Hot Fuzz - and Shaun of the Dead was on the telly the other night - so methinks I'm having Pegg Overload.

Not that I mind, I like a geeky boy as much as the next girl - and I love me some Pegg action.

Anyway, somewhere half-way through the dream he went and had it off with Dawn Swann from EastEnders, so the romance was hardly destined for success.

In other news, tomorrow I have a date with a beautiful girl (Fragglehump) and I have the most mahoosive spot on my nose. Can you believe that?

I fail to leave the house for nearly a week at a time and have the skin of a newborn - and as soon as I make plans my face decides to halt me with a fresh outcrop of hideousness.

Hmpf.

Right, got lots and lots to do today so I'm off.

Laterz.

Beauty, Redefined

This afternoon I was inspired to go and have a look at Jpg Magazine's Beauty Redefined project (which just happens to be sponsored by The Suicide Girls).

For those not familiar, the SGs are described thusly: "a throwback to the glamourous pin-up days, the models are beautifully imperfect, artistically bent emo, goth and punk rockers".

And while I am not about to start wearing pvc, I do believe in their message.

Beauty Refined says: "Every generation redefines what is beautiful, but ours has taken it to a whole new level. This theme invites you to throw out traditional notions of beauty and start over from scratch, redefining beauty for yourself."

Subsequently, whilst browsing I submitted my own image - not in the belief that I am beautiful - but just to join in the movement.

I know that every person out there has something beautiful about them, whether they fit the size zero, blonde hair, blue-eyed mould or not.

I, for one, certainly do not and I'm finally getting to grips with that.

(BTW, you can vote for me here, you know, if you want to - if you don't then that's cool too.)

Incidently, I chose this image because it is the one photograph of myself that I actually love. I'm not sure why!

Get Into The Hoof

Every day I wake up and feel guilty for not having a job. Isn't it funny?

I worked non-stop and without a break in two jobs for a year and the minute I take a breather to do a bit of travelling and have some 'me' time - I feel guilty.

I have looked for a job but there's nothing really out there (not here anyway) - and it's not like I'm not doing anything with my time, I've been doing a little bit of reviewing for Shocking Fish and it's been good to be there for family and friends when they've needed it.

I'm going to stop feeling guilty - this time will be my student time, my time to reassess, to learn, to live cheaply, to see the world, to speak to people, to be free - because Buddha knows I'll soon be back in the rat race, probably back to working two jobs again and being so tired when I get home that I fall asleep on the sofa by ten thirty.

Every single night.

In other news, I have become obsessed with my feet and have been pumice stoning and massaging and pampering them solidly for two days.

My feet really get me down. If I could have them removed and swapped for hooves, I would.

I am a typical Sagittarius, afterall.

Witche's Tit

It is so bitterly cold here that I have a Beddy Bear strapped to my left boob just to ease the pain of a frozen nip.

Oddly it seems just to be effecting the one side - but it is agonising and I have found myself crippled over on more than one occasion this evening.

I am such a wimp.

Why oh why can't the weather sort itself out? On a day to day basis I don't know whether to reach for the bikini or the snow boots.

Sort it out, Mother Nature - wouldja please?

In other news, Daniel Craig had better not wander about round my way on his own this evening, or I'll be forced to drag him in by the hair and keep him locked up for the next two weeks (should be sufficient, methinks).

Wondy Mum's Mother's Day gift was Casino Royale on DVD and it was fab.

I wasn't really feeling DC as Bond to be honest, that's not to say he's not lush and a good actor - it's just I think he'll maybe take another few Bond movies to settle in.

Was impressed though.

Right, I'm off to read about lesbians and very gay gentlemen in post war London.

Nighty night.

Farewell My Concubine

Last night I retired to the boudoir with a migraine at 9pm and slept until 10am this morning.

13 hours of fitful sleep, in which time I dreamt I was the newest concubine of a cruel Chinese man.

WTF?

Yes, concubine.

Except that I got told off all the time and was never asked to do anything physical (thank god) because I was the naughtiest concubine he had ever had.

Shocking Fish thinks there must be something twisted to this dream, but I think maybe I have a good old fashioned need to be subserviant.

Ha ha - yeah right!

In other news, I ate two cadbury's creme egg's for breakfast and would like to thank each and every one of you for your lovely, supportive comments on my last two posts re: the Immigration Monkeys and the job front.

Things are better on the Monkey front, and usually are once you beat them up with a stick (albeit verbally). So cross your paws again for me if you will and I will keep you up to date on The Canada Plan.

Tomorrow I hope to visit the most amazing mini-art gallery in the country and have concocted a glorious little story about my rich Mother looking for a unique piece for her new home (not far from the truth, eh Mum?) so that they might possibly let me take some pictures to show you.

But for now I'm off to see a mentalist about a life size John Wayne cardboard cut-out...

Word to your mother.

Boom Boom

To my brother who says girls can't be funny, I say:

What did the bra say to the hat?

........................................................

"You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."

I thank you.

(My work here is done.)

First Cut's The Deepest

Nothing really amazing to report on this ser-weet day - except that the sun is shining and with it comes a new hope...

Ner ner ner ner ner - ner ner NER

(To those who don't speak Wondy - that was the Star Wars theme...)

*Cough*

(Just sent my geek radar into overdrive as I realise that, in actual fact, it was not the Star Wars theme - but the Superman theme.)

I'll get my coat.

Got my hair did though:

Chopped/lopped/hacked/sliced/diced and spliced - and it feels great!

It's Got To Be-eeeeee - PERFECT

Because I sometimes have no mind of my own, I copied Heather, who was inspired to try this sinister (yet addictive) tool - Portrait Professional.

It's not natural at all, but it IS fun - proof than anyone can be perfect - but what fun would that be?

Give me my horrible old mug any day of the week!

Although I do like this one:

This one is just spooky:

Can anyone say 'waxwork'??

Cheery. Oh. Cheery. Oh. Baby.

I only need cheering up because nobody wants to hire me and there's no work around and I want to buy something sparkly to cheer myself but I can't because that's just silly, and I can't take that with me where I'm going.

And it won't stop raining...

Ooooh, the sun just came out...

Things are looking up already!

I know it's silly to sweat the little things and I'm lucky in so many ways, because I have fantabulous friends and my health - but sometimes, you just have to have a down day and this is mine.

Hey, I watched Bridget Jones when I got out of bed this morning, that must tell you something about my current frame of mind!